HOPE

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight".

Proverbs 3:5-6

Nothing turns out just like we would think or plan sometimes when we dream, that's how it turned out with me. As I fought against God, trying to do it my way I stayed stuck in my pain and misery and addiction which worsened with time. By the time I was 19 yrs. old I was strung out, engaged and just miscarried twins when my real father finally found me.

He looked at me and took me into his arms and told me he had been looking for me this whole time, even hired a investigator. took me in his arms and told me he loved me. as we talked and he heard the shambles of my life he wept, apologizing for not being there. There was joy in my heart but at the same time pain, I was angry, wondering why it took him so long to find me, why i had to go threw so much. He looked at me and asked if I was done and would I like to come down and meet my family. so I packed a suitcase and left with him to Minnesota.

There I met my grandparents, brothers and sister, aunts and uncles cousins and more, who were so excited to meet me. yet in the midst of all this love and joy and celebration of my homecoming, I had to hide in my room there and cry, I still felt so alone, so lost. I met the family I had dreamed about all my life and still I was broken and empty.

After returning to Washington my downward spiral continued, through two failed marriages and worsened drug addiction having my son and finally losing custody of him, losing my property, my belongings and almost loosing myself in the next 12 years. by the time I was 30 there was nothing left, and I blamed God, and at the same time reached out to him for the first time in my life. This lead to a spiritual experience that I couldn't ignore any longer, God was there and he loved me, so like my biological father I reached out to god with both hands and hung on.

The last 9 years have been a roller coaster of hope healing and grace. Where the Lord showed me how much he loves me each and everyday, and so does my daddy. During this time I realized not the painful memory of my past but the tools I got from each circumstance that happened during my life and how to use it today to further his kingdom, to help the lost like I once was. To be his hands and feet.

When I accepted the lord in my life and allowed him in my heart a funny thing happened, the gut wrenching black painful emptiness disappeared, was healed and filled with God's consuming love and grace. I wasn't alone any longer, I was loved, accepted and whole.

Today I am blessed to help in a recovery discipleship ministry, to use the tools I learned the hard way during the circumstances of my life before I accepted Jesus Christ as my savior. sometimes being given the chance to live or lives over again might seem tempting at first, but when you stop to look at the tools you picked up during your journey, I'll bet you end up smiling at the lessons many more times than cringing at the missteps. And in the end, its truly the journey and not the destination. It's the dream not just the coming true. It's who we are now not just who we will become.

QUESTION;

On life's journey we have many ups and downs. What is the best thing so far that has happened on yours? what is the worst?